Sunday, July 17, 2011


Have not written a great deal lately. Partly because I had problems logging into the blog. Also because there has been a lot going on in my life. Some of it is work related but mainly it's been about progress. I'm learning more and more about myself as a person. I am developing a very deep connection with my Mistress. She is a great comfort to me. The fact that she wants to know me as a person means a great deal. Things are still in the early stages but so far they are going well. I feel inspired by her and wish to continue to develop myself as a person and become more for her. 
  I'm also writing more. I've published a book on Amazon Kindle books. Just a short collection of poetry and essays reflecting upon experiences and emotions I have discovered and grown into as a submissive. The writing came from the heart. I don't Harry Potter has anything to worry about just yet. LOL. This is a link to it. I hope to write further in regard to my development as both a person and a submissive. I don't think you can really separate the two. One develops the other.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Words; on a high

Words, a series of letters merely when you think about it, but they can have such power. A word such as Mistress. It's a word I have used a number of times. I've used at Nimhneach and at play parties. It helps to enhance the dynamic of a scene. But now that I am using the word to somebody who means a great deal to me it has taken on a completely different meaning. It's like an electrical charge flowing through my body. Belonging to somebody gives me a real sense of perspective and purpose. It's not merely a word. It's a statement.  
   And when she says words to me. Words such as "My boy" "My slave" My dog" "My footstool" Words that signify that I am hers, then I feel totally alive. You cannot live through another person but with the right connection you can find something that makes you appreciate the value of life, the value of love. I'm in a very good place at the moment.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The look and the silence that says more than a thousand words

She looks at you. She does not speak. She looks at you. Her eyes say the words. She looks at you. And her eyes speak. Deep inside you they echo. You are mine. You do not hear the words. Deep inside you you feel them. You are mine.
You kneel before her. she looks at you. She does not speak. You are mine. You don't know why you kneel. You feel so humble. She does not speak. She looks at you. You are mine. You feel the power of the silent words vibrate inside your body. Your heart swells up. You lower your head and you kiss her feet. You don't why you kiss her feet. You cannot see her eyes but you can feel them. You can feel them touching you. you can feel them deep inside you. It's almost as if she is holding a mirror in front of you and showing you your secret reflection. A reflection that you keep buried. Because you thought that it was ugly and weak.
And now she shows you how beautiful and strong it is. You are at her feet. And she touches you. Your heart swells up. You feel a tightness against your neck. she raises your head so that you can see her eyes again. She does not speak. And then you see the collar. You feel the tightness. Has she turned you into a dog you wonder. Dogs wear collars.
Gently. she lays her hand on your head and you are at her feet again. And she never speaks. She does not need to. Her eyes say more than words ever could. You are mine. Yes, your heart replies. I am.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Freed into slavery

To kneel before you,
To bow down to you,
To worship and even pray to you as though you were God,
to be humbled by you,
To abase myself before you,
To choose slavery with open eyes and heart,
To be all that you desire,
To feel your your touch and to see you glow,
To know that I am yours.
To crawl to your feet and lay down before you and await your command,
Or just to lie in silence,
While my heart beats in rhythm with the echo of your power,
To listen to your voice,
To discover my soul through servitude and surrender,
To know with a glance what it is you require.
For words not to be required,
To be chained before you,
And to feel the chains of the heart ripped free,
To be freed into slavery

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Darkness that turned on a light

I was reborn into darkness,
Into dark desires,
And in those dark desires I found a light,
A light that illuminated,
And revealed with clarity,
All that I am and can be and desire to be.
And to find light,
You must stumble through darkness for a time,
And struggle with shame and guilt,
Until the you that is truly you is opened up.
There is no shame in kneeling with a bowed head,
to prostate yourself at the feet of one,
Who will lead you deeper into the light,
Who will accept you as you truly are,
beyond flesh,
To the very core of your being,
One who will touch you,
And guide you,
Bring you to your knees but never let you fall.

Monday, May 16, 2011

He offers service: poem

To his eyes and heart she was a queen,
Though she did not wear regal clothing or speak with regal air,
But still he knelt before her and offered service.
Which, at first, she declined,
And told him not to kneel,
Because kneeling seemed like weakness to her eyes,
To which he replied
"I do not Kneel to show you my weakness, I kneel to offer you my strength."
She mused upon this for a time,
Looking down upon him with her eyes,
And felt his strength combining with her own.
And now he serves with strength and pride,
wears her collar,
And by doing so no weakness is defined,
Only her strength and his combined,
To form something divine.

Friday, May 13, 2011


So these are just a few random reflections that I'm having at the moment, clearing out the cobwebs of my mind. I've been involved in the scene seriously now for a little over three years. I've met some great people and had some wonderful scenes. So far I have enjoyed myself immensely and I sincerely hope that I continue to do so.
   But I find myself at a crossroads. The next part will probably sound somewhat selfish but I want more. And I'm not even sure if want is the correct word to use. At times it is almost like a craving, as though there is a part of me inside that is caged in a blanket of darkness. The light is very close by but I am struggling to find the switch. That light is the light of true connection, when you are connected with somebody not just in the context of your respective roles but as people.
   It is not an easy thing to achieve and there have been times when I doubted if it could be achieved. Maybe I needed to compromise my principals? I Know that many people within the scene have done that. But then if you compromise on something that is very much a part of you then aren't you selling yourself short?  You can fake it I suppose but inside you would always know the truth and it would constantly gnaw at you, leaving you hollow inside.
  I guess what I'm saying is that it can be difficult to find somebody who really gets you. Not just as the person who is standing in front of them but who you are inside, the person that you want to be but something holds you back. You don't know what it is. The light switch is in front of you but you just can't seem to find it. 
   Sometimes I feel as though my hand is hovering over the light switch. All I need to do is just switch it on.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Poems reflecting my submission.

Yours to command,
Yours at your feet,
Yours by your side,
Yours to take your pain and sorrow and draw it inside myself,
Yours to take the pain that you give,
Yours beyond thought, word or deed,
Yours, with the worst of me discarded and only the good remaining,
Yours in both darkness and light and the shadow in between,
Yours, to tremble beneath your touch,
Yours sliced open until only truth remains,
Yours in all that I am, all I can be and all that I desire to be,
Yours in both slavery and humanity

Lying on the floor,
Licking your boot,
While the heel of your other boot grinds me down
It feels like a little death
the way my heart is beating and the way my body trembles
Your words, soft and gentle and mocking
drop down upon me like jewels from a distance
My mind is racing and there are so many things I wish I could say to you
But I've said them before so I keep silent
And just breathe in the power that you have over me
Though I have said it
You will never know
How much It hurts
When you hurt
or when you don't see who you are inside
you will
And you'll glow
And you'll burn
Because the beauty outside you cannot touch the beauty I see inside you
There are times
When I wish that I could harden myself against you
And cast you aside
When you hurt me
But then I get a glimpse of the beauty inside you
And I dissolve.
You are more than you think you are
Know that

Goddess and fire.

you are not perfect,
you are flawed and human,
There are blemishes,
But inside,
There is a fire that burns,
A fire that rages with a passion that raises you up,
And the fire draws some closer,
And they see the Goddess inside you.
A Power that cannot be verbalised or put into words,
A power that inspires worship and obedience,
As knees are brought down,
And heads are bowed in supplication,
The slave at your feet, eyes glowing with adoration,
Is burned by the fire.
The fire warms and cleanses and draws the best of him towards you,
He sees beyond the flaws and imperfections,
And the slave cannot speak.
You have turned on the light inside him,
And shown him your power,
And the power that has always been inside him,
The power of Submission and surrender,
You have shown all he can be by revealing the fire inside you.
A true Goddess Is neither divine nor flawless,
But rises above,
To ignite the flame,
So her fire can rage eternal

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Random Thoughts about submitting and unblurring fantasy and reality

I used to have these elaborate fantasies in regard to submitting to a woman- An uber Domme. They usually involved being naked and collared; Only being allowed to crawl on my hands knees; only being allowed to speak when given permission; eating and drinking from a dog bowl; sleeping in a cage. As I said, elaborate fantasies and certainly things that would be appealing in the context of a play scene.
But where is the true surrender in something like that? Is it really submission? I don't really think it is. Doing whatever your Domme/Mistress requires of you is all very well and good but you have to ask yourself why you are doing it? Are you doing it merely because she happens to have the Dominant role in the relationship and you're happy to be a toy for her to play with?
What qualities does she have as a person that make you want to surrender to her totally? And by qualities I mean inner qualities because in my opinion there needs to be something that transcends her looks. There needs to be a deep and abiding strength of character, one that makes you trust them and creates a need inside you that desires to make them happy.
Then you also to consider the concept of what is going to make them happy. What do they need from you that will make them happy not just as your Domme/Mistress. What can you offer them as a person and not just as a submissive.
The dynamic of the relationship has already been established. So isn't it better to forget about that and to try and focus on the human connection instead. If you lose sight of that then isn't the relationship doomed to failure?
That's why communication is so important. You can't just rush into things because one person defines themselves as Dominant and the other as Submissive. You have to take the time to get to know each other. You have to be totally honest in how the both of you want things to progress. Phrases like "I will do whatever you desire" etc etc really belong in the realms of fantasy.
There is certainly a place for fantasy but it shouldn't be the foundation of the realationship. Truth and honesty should be. Submission is, in my opinion. about the giving over of yourself, totally opening up to another person. And that is something very few people are capable of doing. We are afraid of being judged if we show any sign of vulnerability or a desire to be loved and cheerised and respected for who we are.
I am not sure if I am fully there yet but I want to be and that's a start

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Submissive heart

You hear her footsteps,
Click, click click.
You feel your heart beating as she draws closer,
And you wait for the sound of her voice,
The anticipation of what may come fills you with both delight and dread,
And then finally the sound of her voice,
Caressing and piercing you,
Sinking deep into your mind,
The things she promises,
The things she threatens,
And you are not sure which one you desire more,
The promise or the threat?
Her hand then,
On your leash,
Tugging it gently,
And then more roughly,
Reminding you of her power,
You feel a sense of awe,
that she can do these things to you,
And make you desire shameful things but not feel ashamed.
You feel your collar tighten,
As she tugs again on the leash,
And you feel your heart tighten,
Your submissive heart,
You can feel the beauty of the moment,
You can feel her beauty even though you cannot see it
Parfois la beauté vue par l'oeil peut nous aveugler à la beauté de l'âme ou à la beauté d'un moment
Her hand moves across you,
A touch that can bring pain or pleasure,
And her power is such that both can be equal,
one complimenting the other,
she gives you no choice,
And she gives you every choice,
She makes you hers completely,
But she does not take it,
You give it freely,
You lay it at her feet,
And she can crush it.
You fight a war inside your mind,
Inside your heart,
But even though she is only an army of one,
It is more than enough to defeat you,
But surrender is not defeat,
Not when you ache to surrender,
Not when you ache to please,
Not when she can lead you through darkness,
And bring you into light.
Her caress bites now,
And pleasure becomes pain
But you feel her pleasure as she releases her power,
And the pain does not matter,
You are uncertain if you can stop this,
A word will stop it,
But like every moment before this,
There is a part of you that wants to be broken by her,
To be crushed by her,
To be remade by her,
To be more for her.
The thoughts are gone,
The doubt,
And you surrender totally to her.

I am more than the sum of my parts: Slavery

I am more than the sum of my parts
I am more than my fetishes and fantasies
I am more than the books I read or the music I listen to
I am more than my gender
I am more than the reflection that looks back at me from the mirror
I am more than that which other people see
I am all of these things and more,
these things and other tiny fragments combine to make me whole,
And the fragments are only revealed and shared when you decide that you want to know me.
People say they want to know you but only when it fits into their ideal world.
You cannot have a slave without a person,
Unless you only want a fantasy.
Collars and chains and shackles are only symbols,
And worthless in themselves.
Slavery given freely does not bind you.
It turns on the light in your soul.
When it is accepted and cherised and nurtured it can only set you free.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Just back from pedestal. My second visit there. And once again I had an absolutely awesome. The women looked fantastic and the vibe and atmosphere was intoxicated. I worshipped lots of women and it was an absolute pleasure to do so. Being on my knees, licking their boots and worshipping their feet was heaven.
  One Domme, dressed like a punk. made me lick my boots and then she got me to boot black them for her as well. I was led around on all floors like a dog and ridden around like a horse. I was on an absolute high. The night finished at 5am but I felt as though I'd only been there a few mins. I'd love it if there was a similar event over here but the demand is probably not there. But then again.....   
  I'll defintely be returning there in the very near future

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


I haven't posted anything for a while now. If this were a woman then she'd be accusing me of neglect, not attending to her emotional needs etc. She'd have a point. So why haven't I posted in a while?
   Well this annoying little thing called life. I'm not going to refer to it as real life because a phrase like that suggests that what I do non vanilla wise isnt real, that it's somehow less important.
  Even the term vanilla doesn't sit very well at times; almost like saying- or infering- normal and not normal.  Yes, there are stange and unusual things in BDSM. But isn't climbing Mount Everest strange and unusual? A person who attempts to do so risks death by falling, freezing, lack of oxygen. Yet the world applauds them for pushing the limits of physical endurance. Isn't BDSM much the same? People pushing limits and not just limits of the body but also of the mind and heart. Stereotypical roles are turned on their heads. Even gender can be played with. A man can explore his feminine side, a woman her masculine. 
    But I'm diverting from the original topic- that's what happens when you don't write for a while. It all tumbles out of you. So why haven't I posted for a while? 
    1. Life. And I'm going to use the R word. I've had enough of that word to last me for at least ten years.
     2. And this is probably the main reason. Doubt. I was beginning to have serious doubts about being in the lifestyle. Was it really for me? I gave serious consideration to leaving it all behind. 
     And then I attended a workshop by Lee Harrington. The topic was "Rituals in Domination and submission." He was an extremely engaging speaker but one thing struck a very deep chord in me and made me realise why I am involved in this even though I still haven't found what I seek. "we all deserve a life of greatness. "   
    Many people will have different opinion of what greatness entails. For some it may involve material things. But that isn't greatness to me. Greatness that can be taken away is- in my opinion only an illusion. The greatness- I believe Lee Harrington was refering to Greatness of self. Being who you truly are. A greatness of the heart and the soul. Thats the kind of greatness I want. And that's why I chose to stay. So I can be the best person I can possibly be. And you cant do that by suppressing what's a deep  rooted part of you. 

Muse Hullabaloo - Citizen Erased

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Start of a new year: Reflections

So here I am at the start of a new year and It's time to reflect upon the year that was 2010. In many ways it was a very evenntful year although I still haven't come any closer to obtaining my ultimate. ie finding a Mistress but some things are worth waiting for. Paitence paitence paitence. That's my new mantra. 
  There have been a few highlights:  1.  Some great nights at Nimhneach. 
    2. The femdom night. 
    3. Some great parties. 
     4. The photoshoot with Stella and Dommy Darko.
     5. My first visit to Pedestal. 

        And then there were the moments when I wasn't sure if this was really for me, When I considered leaving the scene. But that only lasted for a moment. This is a part of me. It's in my blood and my bones. It frustrates me at times but the moments when it makes me feel intensely alive far outweigh the frustration. 
   It's a journey and one that never really ends. I'm constantly learning new things, both about the scene and about myself. The kind of person I want to be, trying to get balance between the submissive and the person. Not always to do. I think it's about trying to bring the best part of yourself into the submission. A desire to serve and to try and do it in a selfless manner. What can I bring rather than what can I get. That's something I'm going to try and work on