So these are just a few random reflections that I'm having at the moment, clearing out the cobwebs of my mind. I've been involved in the scene seriously now for a little over three years. I've met some great people and had some wonderful scenes. So far I have enjoyed myself immensely and I sincerely hope that I continue to do so.
But I find myself at a crossroads. The next part will probably sound somewhat selfish but I want more. And I'm not even sure if want is the correct word to use. At times it is almost like a craving, as though there is a part of me inside that is caged in a blanket of darkness. The light is very close by but I am struggling to find the switch. That light is the light of true connection, when you are connected with somebody not just in the context of your respective roles but as people.
It is not an easy thing to achieve and there have been times when I doubted if it could be achieved. Maybe I needed to compromise my principals? I Know that many people within the scene have done that. But then if you compromise on something that is very much a part of you then aren't you selling yourself short? You can fake it I suppose but inside you would always know the truth and it would constantly gnaw at you, leaving you hollow inside.
I guess what I'm saying is that it can be difficult to find somebody who really gets you. Not just as the person who is standing in front of them but who you are inside, the person that you want to be but something holds you back. You don't know what it is. The light switch is in front of you but you just can't seem to find it.
Sometimes I feel as though my hand is hovering over the light switch. All I need to do is just switch it on.