Friday, September 10, 2010

BDSM: The Journey that never earns

I've been active within the Irish BDSM scene for almost three years now. I attend Nimhneach fetish club on a very regular basis and I've been to a number of fetish parties both in dublin and outside but the roots go back much longer. Decades.
It's difficult to say when exactly it began; probably my early teens and it started totally as a fetish. I'd always had a slightly odd feeling around girls who wore patent leather shoes or shiny leather boots and girls who were slightly agressive. I had fantasies about being made to do things by them, being told to kiss their shoes or boots. I thought that it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it, the same way you grow bored with a rock band when you're in your teens.
But even though they subsided as the years went on, the feelings were always there in the back on my mind. I read some the Gor novels and fantasised about being a slave to a Gorean woman. When I was about 19, I finallly plucked up the courage and rang the phone number of a Pro Domme. I'd torn the page with her number out of a magazine about six months previously and stuck it in a jacket pocket.
I went to her apt and played with her for about an hour. Boot worship, pet play and verbal humilation. I enjoyed the experience very much. The itch had finally been scratched.Now I could get back to living a nice uncomplicated life. But that didn't happen.
The feelings kept resurfacing. Sometimes they would lie buried for years but eventually they announced themselves once again. Visits to pro Dommes only served to put ointment on the itch.
It was only when I made my first visit to Nimhneach- when it was still in the vodoo lounge- that things began to click into place. I wasn't alone. I'd always felt like an outsider, as if i didn't really belong but now I felt like part of a community. It was almost like having a family who totally excepted me for who I was.
It encouraged me to take a long and thoughtful look at myself and one thing in particular struck me All my relationships had been with dominant women- not always positively dominant- but i definitely tended to gravitate towards those types of women and i liked making women happy. There was a certain buzz about serving them. And I didnt want anything in return. Their contentment was enough for me. Not very macho in a lot of people's eyes but that's what being part of the BDSM community has brought to me. As long as you are behaving in a safe, sane and consensual manner then other people's eyes dont really matter. It's your own eyes that matter most; being able to look at yourself in a totally honest way, being truthful as living your life as full person and not just the image that society tries to label you with. And if that means you choose to define yourself as a slave or a master or a Mistress within your relationship  then so be it. Its better to live as a proud slave then an empty and hollow vessel.
Life is to be lived, not to be endured.

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