Random Thoughts about submitting and unblurring fantasy and reality

I used to have these elaborate fantasies in regard to submitting to a woman- An uber Domme. They usually involved being naked and collared; Only being allowed to crawl on my hands knees; only being allowed to speak when given permission; eating and drinking from a dog bowl; sleeping in a cage. As I said, elaborate fantasies and certainly things that would be appealing in the context of a play scene.
But where is the true surrender in something like that? Is it really submission? I don't really think it is. Doing whatever your Domme/Mistress requires of you is all very well and good but you have to ask yourself why you are doing it? Are you doing it merely because she happens to have the Dominant role in the relationship and you're happy to be a toy for her to play with?
What qualities does she have as a person that make you want to surrender to her totally? And by qualities I mean inner qualities because in my opinion there needs to be something that transcends her looks. There needs to be a deep and abiding strength of character, one that makes you trust them and creates a need inside you that desires to make them happy.
Then you also to consider the concept of what is going to make them happy. What do they need from you that will make them happy not just as your Domme/Mistress. What can you offer them as a person and not just as a submissive.
The dynamic of the relationship has already been established. So isn't it better to forget about that and to try and focus on the human connection instead. If you lose sight of that then isn't the relationship doomed to failure?
That's why communication is so important. You can't just rush into things because one person defines themselves as Dominant and the other as Submissive. You have to take the time to get to know each other. You have to be totally honest in how the both of you want things to progress. Phrases like "I will do whatever you desire" etc etc really belong in the realms of fantasy.
There is certainly a place for fantasy but it shouldn't be the foundation of the realationship. Truth and honesty should be. Submission is, in my opinion. about the giving over of yourself, totally opening up to another person. And that is something very few people are capable of doing. We are afraid of being judged if we show any sign of vulnerability or a desire to be loved and cheerised and respected for who we are.
I am not sure if I am fully there yet but I want to be and that's a start

The Mad Wife

Submissive heart

Kneeling,
Bowing,
Bound,
You hear her footsteps,
Click, click click.
You feel your heart beating as she draws closer,
And you wait for the sound of her voice,
The anticipation of what may come fills you with both delight and dread,
And then finally the sound of her voice,
Caressing and piercing you,
Sinking deep into your mind,
The things she promises,
The things she threatens,
And you are not sure which one you desire more,
The promise or the threat?
Her hand then,
On your leash,
Tugging it gently,
And then more roughly,
Reminding you of her power,
You feel a sense of awe,
that she can do these things to you,
And make you desire shameful things but not feel ashamed.
You feel your collar tighten,
As she tugs again on the leash,
And you feel your heart tighten,
Your submissive heart,
You can feel the beauty of the moment,
You can feel her beauty even though you cannot see it
Parfois la beauté vue par l'oeil peut nous aveugler à la beauté de l'âme ou à la beauté d'un moment
Her hand moves across you,
A touch that can bring pain or pleasure,
And her power is such that both can be equal,
one complimenting the other,
she gives you no choice,
And she gives you every choice,
She makes you hers completely,
But she does not take it,
You give it freely,
You lay it at her feet,
And she can crush it.
You fight a war inside your mind,
Inside your heart,
But even though she is only an army of one,
It is more than enough to defeat you,
But surrender is not defeat,
Not when you ache to surrender,
Not when you ache to please,
Not when she can lead you through darkness,
And bring you into light.
Her caress bites now,
And pleasure becomes pain
But you feel her pleasure as she releases her power,
And the pain does not matter,
You are uncertain if you can stop this,
A word will stop it,
But like every moment before this,
There is a part of you that wants to be broken by her,
To be crushed by her,
To be remade by her,
To be more for her.
Finally,
The thoughts are gone,
The doubt,
And you surrender totally to her.

I am more than the sum of my parts: Slavery

I am more than the sum of my parts
I am more than my fetishes and fantasies
I am more than the books I read or the music I listen to
I am more than my gender
I am more than the reflection that looks back at me from the mirror
I am more than that which other people see
I am all of these things and more,
these things and other tiny fragments combine to make me whole,
And the fragments are only revealed and shared when you decide that you want to know me.
People say they want to know you but only when it fits into their ideal world.
You cannot have a slave without a person,
Unless you only want a fantasy.
Collars and chains and shackles are only symbols,
And worthless in themselves.
Slavery given freely does not bind you.
It turns on the light in your soul.
When it is accepted and cherised and nurtured it can only set you free.

Pedestal

Just back from pedestal. My second visit there. And once again I had an absolutely awesome. The women looked fantastic and the vibe and atmosphere was intoxicated. I worshipped lots of women and it was an absolute pleasure to do so. Being on my knees, licking their boots and worshipping their feet was heaven.
  One Domme, dressed like a punk. made me lick my boots and then she got me to boot black them for her as well. I was led around on all floors like a dog and ridden around like a horse. I was on an absolute high. The night finished at 5am but I felt as though I'd only been there a few mins. I'd love it if there was a similar event over here but the demand is probably not there. But then again.....   
  I'll defintely be returning there in the very near future

Neglect

I haven't posted anything for a while now. If this were a woman then she'd be accusing me of neglect, not attending to her emotional needs etc. She'd have a point. So why haven't I posted in a while?
   Well this annoying little thing called life. I'm not going to refer to it as real life because a phrase like that suggests that what I do non vanilla wise isnt real, that it's somehow less important.
  Even the term vanilla doesn't sit very well at times; almost like saying- or infering- normal and not normal.  Yes, there are stange and unusual things in BDSM. But isn't climbing Mount Everest strange and unusual? A person who attempts to do so risks death by falling, freezing, lack of oxygen. Yet the world applauds them for pushing the limits of physical endurance. Isn't BDSM much the same? People pushing limits and not just limits of the body but also of the mind and heart. Stereotypical roles are turned on their heads. Even gender can be played with. A man can explore his feminine side, a woman her masculine. 
    But I'm diverting from the original topic- that's what happens when you don't write for a while. It all tumbles out of you. So why haven't I posted for a while? 
    1. Life. And I'm going to use the R word. I've had enough of that word to last me for at least ten years.
     2. And this is probably the main reason. Doubt. I was beginning to have serious doubts about being in the lifestyle. Was it really for me? I gave serious consideration to leaving it all behind. 
     And then I attended a workshop by Lee Harrington. The topic was "Rituals in Domination and submission." He was an extremely engaging speaker but one thing struck a very deep chord in me and made me realise why I am involved in this even though I still haven't found what I seek. "we all deserve a life of greatness. "   
    Many people will have different opinion of what greatness entails. For some it may involve material things. But that isn't greatness to me. Greatness that can be taken away is- in my opinion only an illusion. The greatness- I believe Lee Harrington was refering to Greatness of self. Being who you truly are. A greatness of the heart and the soul. Thats the kind of greatness I want. And that's why I chose to stay. So I can be the best person I can possibly be. And you cant do that by suppressing what's a deep  rooted part of you. 

Muse Hullabaloo - Citizen Erased